Summer 2008, #15
       "Convenient Acts of Human Behavior"

In Defense of Audrey Hepburn

     by Daniel Morrow

On September 24, 2007, noted UW Greek scholar Winifred Perry, possessed of an incurable form of Pagetís disease, was arrested at her home in Kenosha, Wisconsin and charged with the first degree murder of her social worker, Miss Leila Sheffield. The murder shocked neighbors, who had thought of Miss Perry as a peaceful recluse. Police learned of the motive for the murder after finding Miss Perryís journal. According to the journal, Miss Sheffield had attempted to convince Miss Perry that her favorite actress, Audrey Hepburn, was not beautiful.

     - Chicago Tribune

Screeched a bloody hell at Ms. Liberal-Bleeding-School today, as if she didnít know that Pagetís forces me to journal.

Winifred Perry, diseased into the face of a lion, known by the neighborhood as Narnia and invoked by mothers to frighten children into broccoli, kept a journal to chronicle her debilitation, and whatever else came to mind, including legendary acts of human monster:

"The Gadla Hawaryat of Ethiopia tells of a City of Cannibals and dog-headed man there named Abominable. God sent an angel to capture Abominable with a ring of flame, and while enveloped, God imparted to him the special nature of children, and of beasts, so that Abominable might aid the apostle Andrew in winning converts, whereupon Abominable grew to a giant of eye-fire and deadly tusk, lion hair and claw. He slew dozens of nobles and slaughtered more hundreds till the people of the city surrendered and accepted God."
I am Abominable, see me convert.

Winnie's face felt to her like a smoother moon with sockets of eye and mouth. Her swell, puffy and snub, cajoled her into an appreciation of hotwater bottles, death-by-methadone, and Audrey Hepburn, whom she frequently shared "scenes" and lovers with.

Bird delicate bones, half-tangerine breasts, heroine of sportif and more class than even Coco Chanel.

Other than Audrey and Hubert de Givenchy (her imago lover desired by Audrey), the only one who could look upon her felinized features without wincing or crying was the woman from the city she knew as Ms. Liberal-Bleeding-School, who came around to see her and nag about things.

Hubert de Givenchy dreams every woman melting down to reveal a mask of Audrey beneath. He doesnít fool me. Audrey can have him if she desires, I dare not begrudge her that. I want her happiness in all things; but Iíll abhor Givenchy for the rest of my days!

"Beauty, ugliness are really the same thing, Winnie," Ms. Liberal-Bleeding-School said, "an illusion of distance and angle, like clouds. If you get close enough, deep in, all you see is jelly, squirming things, cells and jelly. There is no real beauty. In truth, we are all repulsive."

Police found Ms. Perry "chanting in Greek" over the body of Ms. Liberal-Bleeding-School. Officer Kowalski said it reminded him of a satanic ritual. He failed to understand that 33 plunges of screwdriver were needed, though only two necessary.

Never could he have imagined Audrey Hepburn murderous and aglow with umbra, as Aphrodite after a particularly hot dance of virgin.